Wednesday, July 24, 2013

The Gay Divorcées

It's been brought to my attention recently that a certain person I know will not tolerate my "gay lifestyle", nor will she allow us to "promote being gay" at an upcoming birthday party we'll all be attending.

Well.  There goes my plan for the thirty minute gay-recruitment Powerpoint presentation before the cake is served.

As for not tolerating our gay lifestyle, I agree with her whole-heartedly. 

Let's take a look at a typical day of our Big Gay Lifestyle, shall we?

We wake up, brush our teeth and make the bed.  Children are then woken up and told to get dressed and brush their teeth. Coffee is made.  The gay cats are petted. The dishes are put away.  Kids are nagged to please get dressed and brush their teeth now.  Lunches are packed.  Breakfast is eaten.  Coffee is sipped.  When we remember, the deck garden is watered.

The kids are driven in one of two matching gay minivans to summer camp.  Marianne goes to her gay Shakespeare class.  I do household chores, the shopping, read, knit, and as of yesterday, go to work.

Marianne comes home, or if it's Wednesday, goes to work.  If she comes home, she does homework. Sometimes, if we're lucky, we run errands together.

In the evening, kids are picked up.  Dinner is cooked and eaten.  Kids are told to clean up dinner.  We relax for a few minutes in our gay matching arm chairs.  Sometimes we knit.  Kids are nagged to please clean up from dinner now.

After dinner we talk with the kids.  I talk to mine on the phone when they're with their dad.  Sometimes if we're feeling especially wild and crazy, we'll play some Uno or Sorry with the kids.  Or watch a movie with them. Or introduce them to Kevin, gay Paul, and Winnie from The Wonder Years on Netflix. Or go for a bike ride with them.  Or take them to help a friend move some boxes from her flooded basement.

At bed time, the kids are sent off to get ready for bed.  We sit and chat about our day, our schedules, the kids' schedules, what to have for dinner tomorrow, what's going on with our friends and family.  Kids are nagged to please get ready for bed now. Kids are tucked in and hugged and told that they're loved.

When the kids are in bed, we unwind on the couch with a little TV.  Sometimes Marianne has a glass of wine while watching TV.  Oh, and knitting.  We're usually knitting with wool sheared from free range gay sheep

[On rare occasion, there are no kids at home.  When that happens we eat dinner in the living room.  On the couch. In bathrobes and pajamas. Or maybe we'll have a friend or two over for dinner, where we will eat curry made from exclusively gay chicken, and talk about nothing but our kids all night.]

Then we go upstairs.  We brush our teeth.  We get into bed.  We say I love you. We go to sleep.

See what I mean about not tolerating that? That person is completely right about not tolerating that lifestyle. 


Our friend Sylwia came to visit last week (long time readers may remember her as my most interesting/controversial/infuriating commenter ever).  Though she is very Mormon and conservative, she is also usually very tolerant of those who choose a different path than her own.  But even she couldn't tolerate our Big Gay Lifestyle. After a few hours with us she announced in a very accusatory tone, "You guys are so noooorrrrrrmmmaaaalllllll. Ugh."

People are right to not tolerate our lifestyle.  You should cut us out of your lives, because odds are good that if you allow us into your home, we will talk about our kids.  And probably knit you something.  And then we'll likely even leave early so we can go home to sleep at a reasonable hour. 

I may be on the wrong side of history, but I'm taking a stand for what's right. My Big Gay Lifestyle cannot be tolerated any longer. 

Will you stand with me, America?  If not for me, then for the children. They can't be taught that this lifestyle is acceptable.

Please.  Think of the children.


Linds said...

I love this so much I'm actually commenting!

Joy said...

Awesome. Gay chicken curry sounds good.
And I'm sorry, but I vote to protect your Big Gay Lifestyle. It looks downright glamorous compared to my Wounded Warrior Wife lifestyle.

Joy said...

Awesome. Gay chicken curry sounds good.
And I'm sorry, but I vote to protect your Big Gay Lifestyle. It looks downright glamorous compared to my Wounded Warrior Wife lifestyle.

Natasha Clark said...

I love this for multiple reasons but especially because sheep really ARE gay. Google it.

Sarah E said...

Didn't you forget to feed and play with your super gay cats? Don't forget about them!

MJ said...

Careful, you might get gay on them! Because it's contagious, you know.

rachfishop said...

I'm sorry but I will never, ever understand that lifestyle. I mean all that knitting. Why can't you just scrapbook like normal people?

Good luck in the new job though :-)

Jen said...

Yay! I'm so glad I stumbled onto your blog. People really do need to be educated about the dangers of the gay lifestyle. Thank you for educating us all! (I shared on FB, because awesomeness like this needs to be seen by everyone!) :)

Mari Adkins said...

i laughed so hard i almost peed when i read "with wool sheared from free range gay sheep" ... omg!! LOVE


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