Tuesday, May 15, 2012

It's a party and you're all invited! I'll bring the popcorn!

Lasers and balloons!


So, today is the day I get pumped full of iron and other people's blood.  Apparently, it's also the day the iron could kill me. 

You guys know what to do if that happens.  I'm counting on you. 

I actually have a medical procedure every day this week except Friday.  Most of them involve my vagina in some way.

Thursday is the uterine ablation. I was initially told that it involved lasers and balloons.  I was kind of excited, because what isn't exciting about lasers and balloons in your lady bits?  It's all the elements of a really awesome party.  IN YOUR UTERUS!  But after more research I realized that they'll actually insert an expandable microwave radio antenna into my uterus and essentially microwave my endometrium like a left over pork chop.  I'm not even kidding.  Maybe they could pop some popcorn in there while they're at it.  Human Jiffy-Pop!

Anyway, I have to take a pill tonight and tomorrow to soften my cervix.  First, the pills are also used for abortions, so now I'm paranoid about what the pharmacy people think of me. I wanted to loudly tell them all that there was definitely NO bun in this oven (but if they checked back on Thursday, there may be popcorn). Second, one of the warnings read, "In extremely rare instances,  portions of the cervical tissue may become detached from the cervix."  So now I'm worried about leaving a trail of cervix wherever I go for the next 48 hours.

"Excuse me m'am, you dropped something."
"Oh, thanks.  It's my cervix."

So anyway, my point is that posting may be scarce for the next week or so, but I have a good reason for it.

In the meantime, don't forget to send me your knitted cowl yarn vagina pictures.  Oooh--maybe someone could put one in the microwave and take a picture in my honor! 




4 comments:

princess apr said...

Oh, piddling money for someone to knit a cowl with the popcorn stitch. That would be the perfect present.

Good luck and speedy recovery!

We're planning our trek to Maine, and I've been thinking of you lately. Also, Heathers is on Instant Play, and I came across Laura's onesie while purging some of her baby stuff last week (kept that little one for posterity though).

Round Rock Gal said...

Yikes! The surgery sounds scary, but your description was hilarious. Wishing you a very speedy recovery, and hopefully nothing important will fall out.

J♥M said...

Just thought I'd let you know that I had this surgery 3 years ago this month and it has been an absolute blessing!!! The recovery after the procedure was a bitch for like 5 days!!! Not kidding! I wondered those 5 days what on earth really happened to me, but I have no regrets now! No more aunt flow visits to me! Good luck!!! I hope you have success!!!

Mari Adkins said...

The surgeon I was referred to last year wanted to do an ablation and I flat out refused. I told her I was going to sit right there in her office until she agreed to a full hysterectomy. I gave her no choice.

But I'd been fighting with pain and my body and doctors for 30 years. I was way beyond done. With everything.

After 30 years of fighting, I finally got my hysterectomy last year and am healthier than I have ever been in my life. (I didn't know life could be this good!)

The result of my surgery? I had undiagnosed Adenomyosis. I had uterine cysts. I had uterine fibroids. I had squamous masses on my cervix, uterus, and just about everywhere else a woman can get one. I also had cysts all over the place of varying types and size. I also had other problems that I won't go into here.

But if someone had given a damn and helped me long before this time last year, I'd have had a better life than the one I had. All I can do now is make up for it with what strength I have left.

I'm coming into your discussion late, but I'm hoping you got all of this taken care of and are healthy now.

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