I had a different post planned for today. A funny one. But after comments and e-mails from my last post poured in over the weekend, I decided they really needed to be shared. I know a lot of you read through a feed, so you don't see the comments unless you click through, so I'm posting those as well.
Also, I've added another one of mine, but I'm not saying which one.
Thank you for sharing. Really. I started personally responding to each one, but I got overwhelmed. Just know that I read each one, and wept over them.
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My real is that I can't stop drinking. It's my escape from everyone else's real that creeps into my life that I can't handle. I'm a family therapist. I get a lot of other people's real.
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My imperfection is that I only had my children, all six of them, because I felt I had to for God to love me. I resent all of them every single day. I never wanted children at all, and now I'm tied down with six. When I was pregnant for my last one, I tried everything I could think of to cause a miscarriage. At least then the spirit would have its body. My duty would be done and there would only be five children sapping me of my will to live.
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I think my husband committed suicide because I was always yelling at him and telling him nothing he did was good enough.
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I think I'm broken because I can't accept affection from or be affectionate to my friends. I can tell my family "I love you," and I can hear it from them without a problem. But when a friend is genuinely nice, I don't know how to react. When a friend says I love you--and I know they mean it--I freeze. I physically can't respond. And I'm jealous of how freely people seem to be able to give and accept affection. I do love my friends. I don't know why I can't force those words from my lips (or fingers). I usually resort to sarcasm. I wish I could just say I love you too instead.
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I'm bipolar. For the rest of my life, I will have to take several different meds in order to not be a raving lunatic. But with those meds, I'm stable and happy and generally a good mom. Here's where it gets iffy: those same meds make me tired. OH SO TIRED. No matter how much sleep I do or do not get, I feel exhausted much of the time. My house isn't filthy, but it's far from spotless because I just don't have the energy to keep it up as well as I should. And I'm often found napping or sleeping in when I really should be reading to my little ones or otherwise caring for them. That's not to say that they're going hungry or wearing dirty underwear or not getting to school on time. Just that I could be doing better, and I'm not. So there you go. Totally imperfect.
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I cuss around my kids, though never AT my kids. The F word is probably my favorite word. Especially since I am married and can F my husband pretty much any time I want, :).
Also, I have 2 boys, am an active member in the LDS faith, and I plan on teaching my boys that it's ok if they masturbate, that the thing to focus on isn't NOT masturbating, but rather to focus on their relationship with their Heavenly Father--do they always have a prayer in their heart? Do they read the scriptures? Are they kind to other people? Because occasionally touching yourself isn't a bad thing (and it's NOT cheating on your spouse, future or current), but letting it overtake your life IS.
And I'm going to teach them when/where it's acceptable to do such things--ie in their bedrooms/bathrooms, NEVER in public.
And maybe it's an imperfection, but I don't think it is.
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Whooo. Real is hard. Here goes. I take up to 12 laxatives a day to stay skinny. I'd rather be on the toilet all day than puking and ruining my teeth. And I'd rather be on the toilet all day than get fat. Even though it doesn't bother me when other people are fat, it's THE WORST thing that could ever happen to me. I'd rather be dead.
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I took a bottle of pills because I had sex before marriage. Dying was better than talking to my bishop. I wish my mother hadn't found me and called 911, because now my family thinks I'm crazy AND a whore.
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I felt like I had to get breast implants to save my marriage. The husband is now gone, but at least have a great rack. (That's just what I tell myself when the depression starts to take over. They weren't worth it and neither was he. And now I'm alone and I hate my body.)
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I have a blog. I have only told about 3 people.... I am very honest about my current struggles and though I would love people to read it and see their comments and know that we all struggle. I want to be a supporter of REAL. I am very afraid that I would just be seen as totally weak and incompetent in the path I have chosen.
When my husband tells me I'm sexy I have to scream at myself in my mind to believe him otherwise I dismiss it as false. I find it nearly impossible to believe that someone as fat and imperfect as me could ever be seen as sexy.
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My real is that my husband and I sleep in separate rooms. People on the outside think we're the perfect happy couple, but the truth is that we are merely roommates. We have been for more than twenty years. We figured we'd divorce once the kids were grown, but now we rely on each other too much. We just don't love each other.
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I have taken down every mirror in my home because I despise the way I look. People have no idea. They tell me I'm beautiful. They lie.
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my real is that i have an eating disorder. and on most days of the week i want it, need it. i try every day to be good and eat and be healthy bleh bleh. but i just wish deep inside that i could just keep it. and not be ashamed of it.
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I've been having sex with my math teacher for two years. I pretend I'm a lesbian so no one will suspect. Now I'm depressed because I get bullied for being a lesbian.
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My real is that I spend almost zero time with my kids. I joke about it, but it's the truth. I hate making them do things, so I just let them do whatever as long as they don't interrupt what I've got going on...and I have a lot going on. Teaching piano lessons, my job at the gym, my bunco nights, my computer time, my reading time, etc. I never seem to make the time to spend with them, so they're all tv junkies and ds addicts. I don't cook for them. I don't clean for them. I don't bathe them. I barely take the time to tuck them in at night. I feel like the worst mom in the world. I love them, but taking even 10 minutes to focus on one child to find out how their day was takes a lot of effort for me. And what kills me the most...when I finally do find the time to talk, they blow me off. I deserve it. I'm working on it, but I'm not perfect.
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I feel like a failure because I can't have children. Why would God give me a commandment I can't keep?
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my real is that Im scared if I were real my friends wouldnt like me anymore.
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My real for today: I often feel like a joke as a mother/ wife. I know that really these insecurities are because my mom wasn't the world's most stellar mom (that's putting it mildly). I fell like (even though really I know I'm doing my best) that I'm not doing enough for my kids. Like I have check off all parenting blocks: volunteering in my kids' classrooms; doing (extra) after-school stuff for my kid- the list could go on and on honestly. Truth is there's only so many hours in the day. I only have so much energy (and motivation). So I'm okay w/ not being the perfect mom.
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I'm in love with my best friend and it kills me that I can't tell her. I don't know if she'd be more repulsed by me being a woman or me being married. The secret is tearing us apart and she doesn't even know it.
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I have to be liked, unless I don't like the person or know that I can possibly never cross paths again, I want them to like me. And it's more then that too, I want to be popular, I want a ton of friends who look up to me, who always want to hang out with me, who invite me to all the events. I just need to be noticed and included. Whenever I find out people don't invite me to a BBQ or a Girl's night, I take it really personally. I know I shouldn't, but it stings. I'm so afraid of not having friends, of losing friends, I am often checking with the ones I do have to make sure I haven't offended them.
I'm not my real self because my real sarcastic, kinda crass self doesn't make friends out here, at least not many. I don't want anyone to be offended by me, or I want to not care, but I haven't mastered the second, so I just overly censor myself.
I'm just so afraid of being judged or ostracized. Even when I was a kid nothing got me attention, being good, being bad, no one but my family noticed or cared. I've never had a birthday party since I was 15 that more then 3 people actually showed up to, I've never had a friend throw me a baby shower (my mother-in-law did, but only 1 of my friends showed). I just want people to like me enough to want to spend EXTRA time with me, not just the bare minimum, it'd just be nice to have someone call me up for a playdate or want to come over to MY house for once. That's my real.
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My husband is depressed and has blown every penny we have. I work three jobs but we still can't even afford for him to get medication to get better. I want to leave him but I'm afraid that would push him over the edge. Everyone thinks we're happy and well off. I just want to scream at people to look more closely and see that I'm barely hanging on by a thread. Help me, don't envy me!!!
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Everyone thinks I'm selfless and wonderful because I'm caring for my ailing mother. The reality is, no matter how much I love her, I wish she would die and release me from this responsibility.
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